Another Year, Another Reflection

Aah yes, the beginning of yet another year brimming with opportunity and the promise of something better. The start of this year has proved to be less about projecting in to the future, and devising plans, schemes and resolutions to be a better person, that I know will never come to pass, and more about looking back on the year that was.

2014 was undoubtedly a personal disaster of a year. Yes, I achieved some pretty amazing things: launched a school internationally, had the opportunity to finally teach on leadership and small business (internationally too now that I think of it), but by the end of the year I realised that I had spent the better part of my 20's trying to eradicate myself by becoming someone else, and it was not bringing me any level of contentment or joy. It was a year in which I realised that I could in fact fall in to, what felt a lot like love, in spite of my best efforts not to, and that I could also get my heart broken in new and excruciating ways. In short, 2014 was a year of external achievement that lacked any true substance for me, and internal failure.

The year ended with the security blanket of my faith in God dragging on the floor, thread bare, tattered and torn.

BUT, just like any good story, the disaster that was, saw me finally coming to the end of the construct of the personality that I had attempted to carve out over the past decade,  to finally reveal the person that I had lost so many years before. The person who I actually enjoy being. The person I no longer wish to deny, but embrace without fear.

It seems, that I had to come to the end of everything I was, to force fear to lose its grip on my soul, so that I could become everything I am, and have always been. I was, and am being, freed to do so many new things that in turn force the grip of fear to loosen even further.

I embarked upon my Grand Social Experiment (to be documented in later blog posts, as it is still underway) where I met a lothario who dismantled my matrix for processing the world, and in a way that not even I can comprehend, managed to reintroduce me to myself. I will be forever in his debt for that, and eternally grateful to this man who I will, in all likelihood, never meet again.
I became friends with a real-grown-up-man who is not asexual in any way, values women's minds, and respects boundaries. Someone you cannot play games with, but instead get to have real, and terrifying, grown up conversations about life, and relationships with a man who has been in them instead of speaking from theory, as so many others have done in the past.
I encountered an Australian who has more integrity than most people I have met, even though at first blush it seems just the opposite, and an Argentine with an uncanny ability to get people to be themselves, and live mask-free, which was a privilege to experience first hand.

My deep need for social connection and community makes my heart break at the thought that I won't see any of these life-changers again in this world (but I remain hopeful that I will), and I am struck by the irony that people I have spent years with, haven't influenced or encouraged me to be myself as much as these people have in, in some cases, a few hours of knowing them. This raises various interesting questions about how it was with mostly non-Christian people that I finally felt the pleasure of the God in 2014. That is another story, for another time, though.

What have all of these chance encounters with strangers done for my world? For today, they have given me the courage I need to finally set about planning my departure from South African shores. I haven't felt that this is my home for a over 7 years now, and FINALLY I feel brave enough to make the change. They have made me realise that it is OK for me to push off in to the deep waters without any idea of where I am going, but trust that as I take the ores direction will come. And if it doesn't - to not have a back up plan, but know that everything will be alright, because the Father really does love me and want my happiness in this world, not my suffering.

Will I change jobs this year? There is a 100% guaruntee that will happen, or I will be denying my own happiness for another year, which I refuse to do.
Will I move to Argentina this year? I like to think that I will.
What will I do there? I have no idea - and that is OK.
What if things go wrong? They undoubtedly will, and that is OK too. I will work it out as I go along.

Isn't this all very irresponsible? Possibly, but I would rather be irresponsible in the eyes of the world, than spend any more time being irresponsible with my joy, and who I am at heart. Sometimes it is OK not to have a grand plan/destiny you are pressing toward. Sometimes you just need to go with what is bringing you joy and a sense of fulfillment. Eventually destiny should take care of itself as long as you are true to who you are and how you are made. We are to pursue God, not an agenda (our own or that of someone else).

Looking beyond the interface

Like most people (I am assuming) my camera setting tends to stay on Portrait or Macro, and I very rarely have it on the ever elusive Landscape, unless I am in the mountains and realise it may help - although to be honest, most of the time I am not really sure of how or why it helps. Recently I have come to conclusion that my camera settings could say more about me than initially suspected.

They tell me that I spend a lot of time focusing on small things in great detail (Macro focus is my best friend) and rarely look out to the bigger aspects of life. BUT while my camera settings may be difficult for me to change, every once in a while I like to sit in a crowded room and "un-focus" my hearing, allowing all of the sound to wash over me without allowing my mind to focus on any of it singularly, but all of it at once instead. The world is alive with sound...

The genius of our design allows us to selectively focus only on that which we feel must occupy our attention. We are built to be able to thrive in Macro Focus. But are we supposed to live there? Along with "un-focusing" my hearing, I also enjoy testing myself to see whether I am observant enough to be able to recall objects in a room once I have left it, or if I would be able to describe someone to a sketch artist. Sadly, this is a test I am yet to pass. It does however, serve to highlight the fact that while I live in Macro Focus, I only focus on things that are of immediate interest or perceived matters of importance to me.This is the basic premise that most illusions are built upon - people focus on small matters of immediate interest to them, and seldom are aware that there is a larger game afoot.

Our Macro Focus default may be affecting our lives in more ways than simply our ability to be duped by illusionists.

It is so easy to know all of the in's and out's of our own industry, or interest group. We feel that connecting via social networking etc. is a way of expanding horizons, and learning about things that we would not have otherwise known about, but truthfully - we all use the search bar to look for things that are relevant to us, or that match with our desires, interests and beliefs. I don't know of many (if any) people who actively search for information on things that don't currently interest them. And I know only one person who actively researches opinions and beliefs contrary to his own so that he can better understand people and form his own thinking from a more balanced perspective.


The only way we tend find out about things that we are not directly involved in, or do not directly impact or influence us, is through face-to-face interactions with those very inconvenient things called people. People, unlike screens, cannot be minimized, and if you spend enough time around them, they will introduce you to their interests. Whether or not those match up are your interests is irrelevant.

Perhaps it is time to turn off the Macro Focus, and look up from the screens. Three inches above the safety of the retina display are actual retinas. Flawed though they may be. We are all around each other. All in our own little bubbles. living life on Macro Focus, when there are vistas to be taken in and mountains to be scaled. If we can tear ourselves away from our screens from long enough we may just realise that the world is out there, and it is waiting to meet us.

Just Go With It - and other life lessons from Mozambique

A little over a week ago I had the opportunity to travel to Mozambique with a small team, to teach on Leadership and Entrepreneurship.

I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it, and felt like I had won some kind of lottery in being given the opportunity to share my thoughts with people, who were in effect a captive audience.

I was thoroughly amused (maybe bemused would be a better word) by the fact that when I told people what I was speaking on, almost every person was shocked, when they are actually the two topics that are closest to my heart.

I suppose that you could count that as lesson number 1: there will be people who will say things that will make you doubt yourself and your abilities. Remember that you don't have to be the BEST, you just have to be able to engage people. Be brave. Step off the ledge, and hope to fly. If you crash and burn at least you can say that you tried.

And try we did! We seemed to succeed as well, which was an added bonus. We didn't simply teach though, we also learned quite a lot while there (and not just how to order coffee in Portuguese - which was obviously the 1st thing to master).

These lessons include, but are not limited to, the following:

• When you are expecting 30 people and 300 show up, and you don't have a microphone...just go with it.

• When you are sweating like a little piglet that is standing in a sausage factory, due to the the stifling heat while presenting, pull your hair up in to a bun and...just go with it. There is no such thing as photo ready, when you are being candid about leadership failure.
• Sweating can be a good thing, because it minimizes your need to use the available toilet facilities in your accommodation. Never take anything for granted.
• When using said toilet, standing on the rim is the safest - do NOT just go with it. If you don't stay healthy, you can't enjoy the adventure.
• When you get tired of explaining, tell the interpreter your general thought, and let him just go with it. Sometimes others can explain things better than you. Don't try to go it alone.
• Warm water is a luxury, and after getting all soaped up in cold water, you can find out that  you were lucky to have water at all. Conserve it.
• A towel will remove soap foam. Use what is available.
• Double ply loo paper is absolute decadence. Love it.
• Curling irons will burn the skin right off your forehead if you are sweating while attempting to curl and accidentally make contact. Avoid the unnecessary pain.
• If someone will only take you to eat street food at night, don't look at the floor...always keep your head up.
• Chicken on a stick may be the tastiest thing you will ever eat. Enjoy it.

• Spider webs really can take over an entire tree and house 100 GIANT spiders. Run away from the danger.
• It is possible to feel more at home in a country where no one speaks your language than you do in your own back yard.
• You can live 100 lifetimes and never really be worthy of knowing the people that you get to meet. Value relationships.
• No matter where you travel, business people will always know each other. Network.
• Business people will always have a spot where they seem to all hang out for coffee or drinks. Find it.
• People want to get to know you more than you think they will. Speak to them.
• Get to know the people staying in your accommodation with you. They can be a source of many valuable things like electrical converters (thanks Jamie)
• Sometimes an architect-bakery owner-waiter can make your morning. Especially when they order for you. Befriend locals
• There are business managers who really will change the face of their nation (Cesar, Cynthia)
• People are more willing to learn than you think. Share your knowledge.
• If your waitress doesn't speak your language, prepare to get what you did not order. Smile, and Just. Go. With. It.
• At the end of the day people will always be more important than the place.

A moment...

History serves us moments. Moments in which we are given the opportunity to choose between greatness and mediocrity.

Time and time again we seem to choose mediocrity, because we are holding fast to the belief that greatness is beyond us. We do not perceive that the very act of reaching for what we are not convinced is attainable, is the very stuff that greatness is made of. Even if we never reach the goal, we have shown that greatness resides within us; not beyond us.

As long as we live reaching forward, we will live out our greatness.

The Cry

Thruth's echo resounds with adventure that lives unbridled within my heart. It reaches to the depths that I have not yet plumbed and awakens the cry within.

The cry is mine, but it does not belong to me, for it is everything I am, and yet more than I can hope to become. It is the call of Eternal flawless design, bursting forth from every fiber and sinew within. It is the cry of freedom in a chained down world. It is the birth of flight. It is the capture of the shadow of the moon. It is the song of light in the breeze. It is the secret, hidden in every eye. It is Truth.

Some days the cry resonates from the ancient place, hidden deep within me. Some days I find that I am the one enveloped within the chorussed folds of the Cry. I breathe the cry in... it obliterates me. I am at last face-to-face with who I am, who I was; who I am created to be. I breathe in the death of "me", and breathe myself back to life.

The cry is more than I can hope to contain within me, but I am designed to carry this cry. This cry is a question that I cannot answer, for it is a solution I cannot fathom. I do not know if I can live up to the Truth inside of me. Can I get myself far enough out of the way, so that people will be able to see me? Can I love boldly enough? Can I love passionately enough? Can I speak the words that creation is crying out to be said? Can I live fully alive, and in so doing allow others the freedom to hear their own heart's cry?

Sometimes my fear of others prevents me from living the truth that will set them free.

If I fail to live in the breath of each moment, I become the warden, when I am supposed to be the warrior.

I heard my cry at midnight in the wild lands, where danger and adventure walk together hand-in-hand, upon the echo of the wind. I heard the cry You gave me; Your Voice like driving rain. A call to the Sacred space where I hear You speaking my name.

Make your life a story worth telling...

Walking Away

We've all been there, that moment when we either need to commit to something for the long haul - even though we suspect that it may kill everything inside of us, and the thought of things not working out are more than we can bear - or we need to walk away. The question is how do we know which one to do?

Sometimes it seems that the whole of life can be summed up by the decisions to either stay or walk away, in some form or another. I'm going to focus on the decision to walk away for now.


Life seems to be made up of a lot of walking away. We walk away from school, jobs, friends, first loves, many mistakes, and sometimes even our own happiness. Why we make the decisions we do are as varied as the circumstances that those decisions are made in. But make the decisions we do - for better or worse.

As this year has begun, I have found myself wondering whether to stay or walk away in a number of areas in my life. In terms of work, I have two jobs and am studying toward my Masters degree, and I cannot help but feel like I should be walking away from something (please not the Masters, please...) because there is only so much I can reasonably hold on to.

Relationships - those too. Do I stay and hope for change, or walk away and force change, even if that change hurts me?

What it comes down to, is that walking away (from whatever it is) induces change. I am a fan of change. I get easily bored, and even more easily distracted, so change is a constant in my mind, even if it does not always find expression in my life. If I am thinking the same way about a problem, or situation (or anything really) today as I was three years ago, I have stagnated. Change is a good thing. Change can bring freedom.

The problem is when we allow circumstances, thoughts, lies, fears and insecurities to keep us somewhere - be it in our minds, emotions, or geographically - instead of walking away from them and allowing freedom into our lives.

But we can overcome these things. I admittedly own more books than anyone possibly should. I love books. I love everything about them. My favorite books are autobiographies and biographies, particularly those of explorers and adventurers. The thing that strikes me every time I read one, is that the things that should have held them back, are the things that many of these great men and women credit with driving them forward. They purposed in their hearts not to let their circumstances, or people's ideas, hold them back and that changed the balance. What had previously limited them, ended up being the very thing that drove them onward. Funny how that happens... An impoverished child who dreams of breaking free from poverty and being a great adventurer, gets sponsors who are willing to fund his expeditions precisely because he was impoverished. But he first had to decide that his circumstances didn't define him. He first had to walk away from the lie of "I can't" and then, the circumstances that trap so many others, became his springboard for international success.

We all have dreams, but dreams only warm our hearts for a short while, and if we don't act on them they become cold and die within us, never having life breathed in to them. And in that space in our hearts where we hold our dreams, tiny scars begin to appear where dreams once were. Sometimes God will work a miracle, and where the scar resides a small ember starts to glow again and with it the hope of a dream alive. But how much better would it be if the dream had never been allowed to die in the first place? How much further would it be to fruition if I had not allowed fear and insecurity to hold me back? Sometimes God will ask that we allow a dream to die, it is true. But I think we often give Him too much credit in that department, because the reality is that He has asked us to believe for it, but we trusted our own fear instead.

If we are going to live our dreams, we need to embrace change. We need to walk away from the status quo. We need to walk away from our fears. We need to walk away from relationships that are damaging to us - even if it hurts. Walking away from what we know can be one of the hardest things we ever do. But you and me, and the dreams that live in our hearts, are too valuable to the world to let them die within us. Walk away and, like the explorers, let your fears and circumstances become the very things that propel you forward to greatness. You were born with greatness inside of you. Let it be seen.

Walk away from your supposed limitations, and walk toward your dreams. If you are only ever walking away without anything to walk toward - it can look suspiciously like running... Walk away by all means, but walk with a purpose.

Change - not the kind in your pocket...well maybe that too

For most of us in the Southern Hemisphere we are coming to the end (or in my case crossed the finish line and avoiding work by blogging) of our long summer holiday season. How fortunate for us that we have the joy of Christmas and New Year's celebrations on beaches and soaking up the sun in swimming pools instead of trapped indoors by fluffy ice. We like the idea of a "white Christmas" but relish the reality of a beach braai (barbeque) instead.

While mentally preparing to get back to work, after such a long reprieve from the demands of the regular working life that can seem to drone endlessly on, one can begin to suspect that all of the little things that changed in you over the past season will also have changed in others. You have let go of all of the petty irritations of the previous year, and feel like you are a better person, and you assume that when you waltz in to the office everyone will be changed people too. But as you make your grand entrance, only to be met by the sound of keyboards instead of the rapturous applause that you were expecting (because everyone should be grateful to have you back - right?) you realise that these are the same people you left in the office before your holiday began, and you start to wonder if they can see the change in you? Because you certainly cannot perceive a change in them.

We always think of change as a big thing, but in reality it is usually a small thing that is barely perceptible. It is only when all of the small changes start to join forces that people notice a change in another person. In some ways, personal change really is a lot like the change in your wallet (or pocket). It always starts with that one 5 cent coin that you can't find a charity box to get rid of it in. Your jeans can go through the wash 10 times and that sucker will still be in there. Soon however, more coins get added until you realise that your pocket is bulging and your one pants leg has been pulled a bit lower. Now everybody knows that there is change with you - as though the sound of the coins jingling in you pocket as you walk wasn't enough of a give away. For us women who tend to collect coins in the bottom of our handbags, that most essential of accessories, eventually gets much heavier than it was when we bought it! After much rummaging through the year's after dinner mints that you have stashed away for emergencies (what these emergency situations are has never been defined, but you know that you need to have them all) you discover to your joy a stockpile of coins, and you realise that you can now pay for your parking and escape from the mall. Small change, leading to the great escape?

So here's to celebrating the little changes that no one will ever notice - the fact that you take half a spoon of sugar now instead of a whole one; that you have decided to always give old people the right of way and not get angry when you are driving behind them; that you have woken up with a smile on your face for the past week and walk your dog every evening instead of every morning...I celebrate with you when you look in the mirror and decide not to hate what you see, even if you can't bring yourself to love it yet; I celebrate with you where you have made the decision to look inside yourself to discover who you really are, because that decision took courage.

Change is here, it's happening all around us all the time, you are literally changing the atmosphere just by breathing. Never think that your life is not enough to effect change in this world. We are made to change things. We are agents of change. As the parking pay point at a mall close to where I live states "Change is Possible".

Maybe I am just afraid...

“Such is the human being; when he is afraid, he sees enemies everywhere and thinks the only chance to stay alive is to exterminate them.” Beatrice – Rwandan Hutu Refugee reflecting on life in the camps in DRC.

I would struggle to find a more succinct way of explaining what fear does in our lives, it lies to our hearts, pulling on the survival instinct in all of us, the desire for self preservation at the cost of all else. I am fortunate enough to live in a time and place where I have borne and continue to bear witness to the result of lies that fear has set up in people's hearts, while also witnessing the miracle that can happen when someone understands that it is fear that drives hatred, and stands up to put fearful hearts at rest.

Fear seems to have managed to creep in to society, so that it is so prevalent that there is no corner of our lives and cultures that are not affected by it in some way. It has become a way of life for us in so many ways. We have become a people who are more easily defined and directed by our fears than our freedoms.

If perfect love drives out all fear, then could it be possible that the true opposite of love is not hate but fear, and it is the fear that plays on any number of other aspects of our lives (even positive things like self preservation) that eventually causes us to hate, as it drives us to preserve our lives, lifestyles, ideas and ideals and pull further and further away from anything that can cause those things to be removed. I am yet to see hate ever make any lasting, positive change in the world, but love...I have seen love conquer the conqueror. Because "...In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him..." (Orson Scott Card: Ender's Game)

If we could be brave enough to love unabashedly, we could be the people who in turn release those whom we fear from their own prisons. And who knows – perhaps we can also be known as people who turn the world upside down.

What would a world without fear look like? Can you imagine it? A world without fear of death, judgement, failure, pain or things that go bump in the night. How would it feel to know that people love what you do not because it is the best, but because it comes from you, and they love you?

Personally, there is nothing that tears at my soul more deeply than when I see fear in someone’s eyes, or watch as people respond to situations and circumstances out of fear (often without even knowing it). I have not completely won the battle over fear in my own life. Not by any means. But I live to fight the battle. For me, it is a worthwhile endeavor to spend my life in pursuit of how to love completely, and in so doing release those around me from fear.

Captured

I look in to the eyes of Love;
and am captured.
Iris to iris I find who I truly am.
Fought for with His dying breath.
Won by His unyielding life.
He takes my hand I become everything that I am;
and know the fullness of who I can be.
My worth read in His eyes of unabashed love
For me.
I am free.

He died to free me; rose so that I can rule, and pursues me so that He can hold my hand and whisper to my heart.

Being Human

What does it mean to be human?
What is it to live fully alive?

For me, to be human and to live fully alive, is to embark upon a disciplined adventure in recapturing the wonder of all of life. The struggle of humanity is to be fully who we are. We spend so much time trying to figure out who we should be that we can forget how to just be...

Being human is an experience that is so unique to each person. All of us with our own take on the shared joy and heartache that life brings. Sorrow, agony, loneliness, exhilaration, passion, joy, ecstasy - we all run the gambit of these emotions, but it is our experience and expression of those poignant moments in our lives which make our journey on this earth so unique to each individual.

With so much to experience in the short time that we have to spend on this planet, how can we not strive to embrace all that life has for us? To live in complete awareness of each joy, each sorrow...each moment. After all, moments are all that we have in which to experience what it is to be fully human, to be fully alive in the hands of a loving God.

There is no risk in Heaven - no battles to fight, no wars to be won. There is no need to have faith, or challenges to overcome. The only time in all of eternity that we get to exercise grit and determination, the only time where we get to be part of the fight, and can risk it all is now. It stands to reason then, that we need to live, taking hold of every moment, grasping at every opportunity and challenge.  Breathing in all that each and every moment has to offer us, because when our time is done it would be such a waste to say that we have more left to give, more we wish we could have done, more we could have changed in the world, more moments, more breaths, more appreciation and wonder at the perfect balance of nature that allows us to have life on this planet.

It can be so difficult to embrace the experience of being human, because we can get so caught up in the task of being human, that we become too myopically focused on ourselves and our issues and to-do lists that we forget to enjoy the broad sweeping beauty of each moment.

Perhaps the key challenge to being fully human is this: to be alive to each moment, while living for the the future eternal moment and bringing Heaven to earth. The challenge is to be who we are - the perfect combination of spirit and body, formed from the earth but breathed upon by the Spirit, living in and from two worlds at once; embracing the beauty and fragility of the one while pulling on the permanence and perfection of the other. To live exclusively from one arena would diminish who we are created to be. We are a wonder of creation. There is nothing else like us. We are human...and we are alive.